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[Satire] SATIRE NEWS: Pale Teenage Psychic Collapses With Nosebleed After Trying To Jerk Self Off With Power Of Mind – U-S-NEWS.COM

Summary by U-S-NEWS.COM
EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Causing light bulbs to shatter and plaster to rain down from the ceiling of the quaking room, pale teenage psychic Derek Timmons reportedly collapsed with a nosebleed Friday after trying to jerk himself off with the power of his mind. “I…I thought I was strong enough to harness my psychokinesis to beat my meat, but I…I lost control,” said a sweat-soaked Timmons, veins bulging on his massive head as several researchers rushed in …
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U-S-NEWS.COMU-S-NEWS.COM

SATIRE NEWS: Pale Teenage Psychic Collapses With Nosebleed After Trying To Jerk Self Off With Power Of Mind – U-S-NEWS.COM

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Causing light bulbs to shatter and plaster to rain down from the ceiling of the quaking room, pale teenage psychic Derek Timmons reportedly collapsed with a nosebleed Friday after trying to jerk himself off with the power of his mind. “I…I thought I was strong enough to harness my psychokinesis to beat my meat, but I…I lost control,” said a sweat-soaked Timmons, veins bulging on his massive head as several researchers rushed in …

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U-S-NEWS.COM broke the news in on Monday, March 31, 2025.
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