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Top [SATIRE] The Unger Review News

Mennonite Teens Survive Boring Sermon with New Nintendo Switch

Nintendo · Saskatoon

Mennonite Teens Survive Boring Sermon with New Nintendo Switch

SASKATOON, SK More than a dozen teens at North Saskatoon Mennonite Church were caught hauling out their new Nintendo Switches this Sunday just as soon as Pastor Dave launched into his sermon on the eleventh chapter of Leviticus. “I didn’t stand in that line for nothing,” said 13-year-old Alex Peters. “It’s a good thing these new Nintendos are portable.” The Switch 2 has been particularly popular with Mennonite young people, since it’s small and …Read Article

Trump to Reopen Alcatraz to Imprison Canadians

Donald Trump · San Francisco

Trump to Reopen Alcatraz to Imprison Canadians

SAN FRANCISCO, CA With the trade war heating up, Donald Trump recently announced he would be reopening Alcatraz with the sole purpose of imprisoning Canadians who’ve hurt his feelings on social media. “Cross the border with a Trump meme on your phone and its straight to Alcatraz for you!” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, “and I don’t mean on the tourist boat.” The cost to reopen Alcatraz is estimated to cost $165 billion, compl…Read Article

Airline Strives to Make Travel as Uncomfortable as Humanly Possible

Air Travel · Winkler

Airline Strives to Make Travel as Uncomfortable as Humanly Possible

WINKLER, MB West Reserve Airlines has long been a leader in Canadian air travel, with their continual efforts to make air travel as uncomfortable and inconvenient as humanly possible. The airline announced this morning they would be adding a next extra step in their effort to expand the possibilities of discomfort and inconvenience. “We starting cancelling and delaying flights a long time ago. Then we started charging for carry-on bags,” said We…Read Article

Committee Already Planning “Anabaptism 1000” Celebrations

ADDIS ABABA, ETHIOPIA Moments after the 500th anniversary service ended, a committee of Mennonites from around the world had already gathered in Addis Ababa to start planning the Anabaptism 1000 celebrations. “I know this is a little tighter schedule than we’re used to,” said Mrs. Wiens, “but we’ll make do, I’m sure.” The plan is to hold a church service somewhere in the world, probably Goshen. “If it’s still around,” said Mrs. Wiens. “Otherwise…Ethiopia · Ethiopia Read Article

Pastor to Fight Epidemic of Mennonite Men Wearing Shorts in Church

ROSTHERN, SK After half the men in the congregation showed up in shorts this past Sunday, Pastor Carl is now enforcing the church’s long standing no shorts rule. “It’s been on the books for decades, [...]Church · Rosthern Read Article

Mennonite Man Shunned After Returning from Zurich with Swiss Army Knife

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND Area man Dave Kehler immensely enjoyed his time at the Anabaptism 500 celebrations in Zurich this week, but the pleasant festivities contrasted with the rather unfriendly greeting he received on his arrival back [...]Zurich · Zurich Read Article

Fisherman Hired to Extract Last Pickle from Jar

ALTONA, MB Area man Neil Reimer has been awakened from his meddaschlop this afternoon to attend to an emergency at the Klassen gathering. “Get here fast, Neil,” said Mrs. Klassen, “and bring your rod and reel” Reimer was also instructed to bring his tackle box and fish finder. “We’ve got a particularly stubborn pickle floating down there,” said Klassen. “Tried to jab it with my fork, but I couldn’t get a hold of it.” Reimer spent a good two hour…Fishermen · Altona Read Article

Frugal Mennonites Gather in Most Expensive Country in the World

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND David Yoder was excited to return to the land of his ancestors this week for the Anabaptism 500-year anniversary, but as soon as he arrived, he got the sneaking suspicion that things must have changed a little in the past five centuries. “The Matterhorn? Well that’s always been there. Fondue? I’m sure my Yoder family has been doing that for ages,” explained Yoder. “But the prices? Hoscht du dei Daag des Lewes! I’ve never seen…Switzerland · Switzerland Read Article

Mennonites Gather in Zurich for Anabaptist 500

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND It’s the most anticipated race of the past five centuries. This week, thousands of Mennonites will gather in Switzerland and race through Zurich in the exhilarating Anabaptist 500. “Of course, we’re not using cars. Basically we just have a bunch of Lutherans chase us through the city streets with pitchforks,” said event organizer Isaac Yoder. “The first one to the finish line gets excommunicated.” The event will be broadcast …Zurich · Zurich Read Article

Mennonite Man Gives Throne Speech

TABER, AB Area man Roger Goertzen, 46, was so aghast at what the videos he was watching on TikTok this afternoon that he started yelling through the door at anyone who was in proximity to hear. “Oba, waut de schissjat is this now yet once such!” yelled Goertzen, reaching for the toilet paper. “What’s that Mark Carney fellow up to now. He’s not seeding the flax that’s for sure!” Goertzen then flushed the toilet to “clear the air,” before pontific…TikTok · Taber Read Article

Harvard Restores Funding After Record-Setting Quilt Auction

CAMBRIDGE, MA After having its funding dramatically reduced in recent weeks, Harvard University has had to result to a tried and true method of raising money – a Mennonite-style quilt auction. “At this point, we were kind of desperate,” said university president Alan Garber. “We looked all over the place for ideas – garage sales, drop shipping, you name it. After extensive research, we discovered the most effective method of fundraising was a qu…Harvard · Cambridge Read Article

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