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News from [SATIRE] The Onion
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Latest News Stories
Donald TrumpNEW YORK—Violating the judge’s order prohibiting the former president from killing his one-time fixer, Donald Trump was held in contempt of court Tuesday after stabbing Michael Cohen to death with a ballpoint pen. “Given the defendant’s willful and repeated refusal to comply with this court’s instruction not to shank…See the Story
[Satire] Trump Held In Contempt Of Court After Stabbing Michael Cohen To Death With Ballpoint Pen
100% Left coverage: 1 sources
Damning New Report Finds Someone Not Wearing The Shirt Wife Picked Out For Them
100% Left coverage: 1 sources
Walmart · BentonvilleBENTONVILLE, AR—Adapting the retail outlet’s previously simple sign-up questionnaires to the modern world, Walmart announced Monday that its baby registry would now include a checkbox for denoting whether or not the pregnancy was forced. “We heard from many Walmart customers that it would be convenient to have a…Read more...See the Story
Walmart Baby Registry Questionnaire Includes Checkbox For Whether Or Not Pregnancy Forced
100% Left coverage: 1 sources
SpeciesTHE HEAVENS—Saying He did not expect the species to forgive Him, a tearful God, Our Lord and long-supposed Heavenly Father, admitted to reporters Tuesday that He kidnapped human beings 4,000 years ago to raise them as His own children. “I’m so sorry—I know I’ve always said you were created in My image, but that’s not…See the Story
[Satire] Tearful God Admits To Kidnapping Humanity 4,000 Years Ago To Raise As Own Children
100% Left coverage: 1 sources
Report: Your Mother A Sexual Creature
100% Left coverage: 1 sources
Elon Musk · DelawareTesla recently sought shareholder approval to restore Elon Musk’s $56 billion pay package, which was rejected by a Delaware judge. The Onion asked Tesla fans to explain why Elon Musk deserves the $56 billion payout.See the Story
[Satire] Tesla Fans Explain Why Elon Musk Deserves $56 Billion Payout
100% Left coverage: 1 sources
Nevada, United States · NevadaLumen, the company that supports 911 some emergency call services, stated that the outages in Nevada, South Dakota, and Nebraska that left callers unanswered were caused by a “fiber cut” during the installation of a light pole. What do you think?Read more...See the Story
Light Pole Installation Causes 911 Service Outage Across Several States
100% Left coverage: 1 sources
Satire · Jersey CityJERSEY CITY—Lurking ominously as her unsuspecting prey lay naked with his clothes strewn at the foot of the bed, local man Greg Jensen’s girlfriend peeked up over his torso during a blow job Monday like a gator in the bayou. According to terrified sources, Jensen’s girlfriend, much like an amphibious killer roaming…See the Story
[Satire] Girlfriend’s Eyes Peeking Up Over Torso During Blow Job Like Gator In Bayou
100% Left coverage: 1 sources
