LEDUC - As part of ongoing pandemic response measures, national coffee chain Tim Hortons has confirmed that employees will not be allowed to spit into the Iced Capp machine until they’ve had two doses of an approved covid vaccine.

US & Canada

Americas

Tim Hortons

North America

Canada

[SATIRE] The Beaverton

Tim Hortons confirms that only vaccinated employees will be allowed to spit into the Iced Capp machine

TORONTO - Ontario Premier Doug Ford is facing blame for the recent rise in COVID-19 case numbers, despite his valiant effort telling the new cases to “tone it down a bit, if you don’t mind.”

Doug Ford

Coronavirus

Ontario, Canada

Ontario

Ontario case numbers going up even though Ford asked them nicely not to

OTTAWA - Members of Canada's national and local press are assuring Canadians that they will start to cover the RCMP's violent and quite possibly illegal raid on sovereign Wet'suwet'en territory just as soon as a couple more big name American celebrities tweet about it.

Canadian media promise to start reporting on RCMP raiding Wet'suwet'en territory once a few more American celebrities tweet about it

“By hitting Ctrl-F and replacing ‘2019’ with ‘2021,’ Prime Minister Trudeau has shown that he’s serious about moving Canada forward into the year it currently is."

Justin Trudeau

Liberals change date and add "for realsies this time" to throne speech

TORONTO - The downtown area is in complete chaos as Torontonians flee for their lives after the city’s omnipresent condos, A&W franchises, and marijuana dispensaries somehow coalesced together, gained sentience, and went on a rampage.

Toronto

Toronto in chaos as combination Condo/A&W/Weed Stores gain sentience, overrun city

OTTAWA - A third booster shot of the COVID-19 vaccine has been approved by Health Canada for use on all sheeple and government simps over the age of 18.

Vaccines

COVID booster shots approved for all sheeple and government simps over 18

"I’m technically the ‘Minister of Public Safety and Solicitor General' but that’s just a job title. No one expects me to lead an army of solicitors into battle so I really don’t see why everyone expects me to be responsible for public safety.”

British Columbia

B.C. Public Safety Minister clarifies that title is ceremonial, like “Princess” or “Birthday Boy”

OTTAWA - With large parts of British Columbia still underwater due to climate change-related rainfall, the Prime Minister’s Office has offered condolences and also lowkey asked whether oil tankers could be sailed through the flooded communities.

[SATIRE] The Beaverton

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