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Top bendigostandard.com News

Emergency Department Offers Express ‘Just Tell Me I’m Dying’ Lane for Hypocondriacs
Bendigo, Victoria · Bendigo

Emergency Department Offers Express ‘Just Tell Me I’m Dying’ Lane for Hypocondriacs

In a bold move to streamline the patient experience, Bendigo Health’s Emergency Department has unveiled a new express lane for neurotics. The “Just Tell Me I’m Dying” service allows hypochondriacs, WebMD veterans, and panicked 2 am Googlers to bypass standard triage procedures and be given a vague but dramatic prognosis in under 15 minutes. “We […] The post Emergency Department Offers Express ‘Just Tell Me I’m Dying’ Lane for Hypocondriacs appea…Read Article
Cyclist Admits He’s Just in It for the Lycra, Not the Cardio
Cycling · Bendigo

Cyclist Admits He’s Just in It for the Lycra, Not the Cardio

A Kangaroo Flat man has finally admitted what most of his neighbours suspected all along: he didn’t take up cycling for the fitness, the freedom, or the carbon-fibre status symbols. He did it for the Lycra—tight, shiny, ego-hugging Lycra. “I never cared about bikes,” Trent Delaney confessed, adjusting his Oakleys and slapping his visibly cold […] The post Cyclist Admits He’s Just in It for the Lycra, Not the Cardio appeared first on The Bendigo …Read Article
Mum Starts OnlyFans To Fund Son’s Obsession With Pokemon Cards
Bendigo, Victoria · Bendigo

Mum Starts OnlyFans To Fund Son’s Obsession With Pokemon Cards

In a bold fusion of maternal devotion and internet entrepreneurship, Eaglehawk mum Traycee Brooker, 34, has launched an OnlyFans account to bankroll her son Troy’s insatiable lust for Pokémon cards. “At first, I thought it was just a phase. Then he dropped a hundred bucks on a single Charizard card, and I realized I needed […] The post Mum Starts OnlyFans To Fund Son’s Obsession With Pokemon Cards appeared first on The Bendigo Standard.Read Article

“At Least It’s Not Hailing This Time,” Says Local Missing Fence

After discovering his entire backyard fence had vanished overnight like a magician’s assistant with commitment issues, Cal Gully resident Wayne Takeaseat remained shockingly upbeat. “Well, at least it’s not hailing this time,” said the 54-year-old optimist, standing in the open void where a Colorbond fence once stood, now replaced by a scenic view of his […] The post “At Least It’s Not Hailing This Time,” Says Local Missing Fence appeared first …Bendigo, Victoria · BendigoRead Article

Local Teen Discovers Ancient Relic Known as ‘Roundabout Video Membership Card’

A Roundabout Video membership card, believed to date back to the sacred era of the mid-90s has been unearthed in a Long Gully backyard by 15-year-old amateur archaeologist Jayden McLoughlin. The relic—a banana-yellow laminated card with bold red lettering—was uncovered in near-mint condition after Jayden accidentally struck it while attempting to dig a firepit. It […] The post Local Teen Discovers Ancient Relic Known as ‘Roundabout Video Members…Bendigo, Victoria · BendigoRead Article

Couple's 10th Cruise Celebrated With Massive Ocean Creatures Sing-A-Long

When Ron and Bev Huxley boarded their 10th cruise, little did they expect their milestone celebration to be celebrated with a full-scale underwater musical extravaganza starring none other than the ocean’s most melodious creatures. Eyewitnesses say the show began when a pod of humpback whales launched into a surprisingly harmonious version of “Under the Sea,” […] The post Couple’s 10th Cruise Celebrated With Massive Ocean Creatures Sing-A-Long a…Bendigo, Victoria · BendigoRead Article

Box of Cow Manure Dropped at Premier's Office

Coverage: 7 sources
The wash-up from the state budget has been overshadowed by a box of manure that was dumped outside the premier's office yesterday afternoon.Protestors · Ballarat CitySee the Story

Council Yells at Mall to “Apply Itself” Like a Year 10 Student Failing PE

In a bold new move to revitalise the city’s heart, our local council has unveiled its latest plan to invigorate Hargreaves Mall by guilt-tripping it like a disappointed parent. The new approach involves councillors standing in the mall for up to six hours daily, hurling phrases like “You’re wasting your potential!” and “We’re not angry, just disappointed” at […] The post Council Yells at Mall to “Apply Itself” Like a Year 10 Student Failing PE a…Bendigo, Victoria · BendigoRead Article

Man Charged After Luring Miner Into Van

A Golden Square man has been taken into custody after luring a miner into his suspiciously unmarked van. The victim, 54-year-old Kev from Fosterville Gold Mine, was unharmed.   “He had a lot of strong opinions about American politics,”  the victim told The Bendigo Standard, who described the encounter as “an unexpected 45-minute TED Talk […] The post Man Charged After Luring Miner Into Van appeared first on The Bendigo Standard.Bendigo, Victoria · BendigoRead Article

Showgrounds Market Vendor Totally Claims She Invented The Bucket Hat, Like, For Real

In a stunning revelation that has shocked precisely four people at the Bendigo Showgrounds Market, a local stallholder named Makenzee “Buckets” McGraw has boldly claimed she invented the world’s first bucket hat. Wearing what appeared to be an extremely faded sunhat, Makenzee announced the news mid-morning between selling Pokémon cards and a box of expired […] The post Showgrounds Market Vendor Totally Claims She Invented The Bucket Hat, Like, F…Bendigo, Victoria · BendigoRead Article

Halls Gap Zoo Celebrates First Successful Mating of Two Taxidermy Koalas

In a groundbreaking moment for both zoology and questionable taxidermy, Halls Gap Zoo announced today the first successful mating of two taxidermy koalas, igniting celebrations. The historic event unfolded quietly in the dimly lit Marsupial Memories Exhibit, where staff had recently arranged two lifeless koalas in a highly romantic spooning position, with Barry White playing […] The post Halls Gap Zoo Celebrates First Successful Mating of Two Ta…Halls Gap · Halls GapRead Article

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