[Satire] Tearful God Admits To Kidnapping Humanity 4,000 Years Ago To Raise As Own Children

[SATIRE] The Onion

Lean Left

Mixed Factuality

Media Conglomerate: G%2FO Media

Tearful God Admits To Kidnapping Humanity 4,000 Years Ago To Raise As Own Children

THE HEAVENS—Saying He did not expect the species to forgive Him, a tearful God, Our Lord and long-supposed Heavenly Father, admitted to reporters Tuesday that He kidnapped human beings 4,000 years ago to raise them as His own children. “I’m so sorry—I know I’ve always said you were created in My image, but that’s not…